If you think this is a post on what to do when your boyfriend f*cks up (like forgetting your birthday, or not doing something he said he would do, or heaven forbid- cheating on you
with your overweight cousin), then apologies, as you are sadly mistaken. And almost as equally sad, with my title alone I have only proven to be a master of false advertisement.
But I digress…because really…
….How am I going to sit here and give you advice on what you should do in your relationships, when my own relationships are in shambles?
Yes, you read that correctly…..relationships. You see for every famous guy I like, I’ll make them my boyfriend-in-my-head, aka my BIMH (jest people, this is all in jest).
And with all these “relationships”, I do my due diligence to
snoop lurk troll I mean keep tabs myself abreast on whats going on with my men. This includes and isn’t limited to following them on social media and supporting their many endeavors.
Okay, let’s keep it 100, I stan to a certain extent for my BIMHs, like any girl does. And part of that stanning includes Googling them every once and awhile. And you know where Googling will get a dude…Googling will get a dude caught.
And caught they are because as of late, TWO of them have been royally f*cking up.
AND I DON’T APPRECIATE IT.
So let’s look at Exhibit A:
JAY R. ELLIS
Yep, this nice wholesome piece of chocolate right here….
Look at the way the right side of his mouth just curves up ever so lopsided when he smiles. Look at that facial hair….and his cute bushy eyebrows. Look at his style
forget that sweater boo, I’ll be your anchor.
Alright, alright let me stop holding out on the goods. Here’s a better angle of him:
(Umm sir can you put a shirt on?..Showing all these undeserving women my stuff)
Let me keep it trill with you. My ultimate BIMH is MORRIS CHESTNUT. But he has been married ever since I knew he existed and to be honest, lusting after a taken man ain’t fun or cool in my book. So this is where Jay came through in the clutch. Jay and I had been rocking for a few years now ever since he starred in BET’s “The Game”. And since then, he had done no wrong in my eyes… The dude is talented, athletic, tall, and charming, and ever since I saw this interview below, I fell in lovvvvve (with his cool mom too). I mean his mom was describing me TO A TEE at the 2:22 mark…
See? See what I mean???
Everything was fine and dandy. He and I were single together. And that was to be expected as he hadn’t met me yet in order to make it you know, like, real life official. Everything was fine……until I just so happened to be on a website and saw THIS:
IN THA HELL
that THIS was okay?!!?
What is a woman to do when her boyfriend has a girlfriend….who looks nada ting like her?? #IyanlaFixMyLifeGirl
And after further investigation, I found out that the chick’s name is Nina Senicar and she’s an Italian model. Not to mention, dude has been making rendezvous to Italy to visit her, and didn’t have a drop of decency to give me an alert, or forewarning…..not even a darn text to let me know he was coming out the gate full force with another girl.
And I know you’re saying “umm Avia the dude doesn’t even know you exist!”
I. O. E. N. CARE…Because in these pics, Jay has shown me what he’s about. If he wants to frolic on European trips and red carpet events with his little Cannoli then so be it.
Nah, actually, you know what? I’m not even mad. I’ma give this relationship 6 more months maximum, and not only because of their weird stiff azz hand holding. But because any gentleman with the home training I know his momma gave him, would only walk on the street side of the sidewalk for a girl he’s really about. So that’s all I will say on that.
Moving along to Exhibit B:
ODELL BECKHAM JR.
Now while Jay was my MAIN, I’ve realized when dealing with BIMHs, it’s imperative to have back ups just in case the main acts up. Which brings me to my Plan B, my athletic speciman of man, OBJ.
Odell, Odell,…. Odell. Where do I begin with him?
Unlike most, I first discovered Odell on Instagram, not from watching football. I was on someone’s page, which led me to someone else’s page I didn’t know, which ultimately led to me finding him. All you people on IG know how that goes. But when I landed on his page I was.not.even.mad. Well okay, I was bit upset because I was clearly late in knowing he even existed. Because this dude here….
With his squinty “the-sun-is-always-in-my-eye” look, springy little curls, flourishing goatee….and lopsided smile…(Must I have a thing for them??)
Yeah you catch my drift.
There was hope for me and my NY Giant. Finally, I had found a legit back up BIMH who actually lived in the same city as me! Which gave even more opportunity for my fantasy to turn into reality. Would I run into him somewhere random? Or brush shoulders with him at a party? (don’t laugh, that’s how my ex BIMH Morris and his wife met) I mean, the possibilities were endless. Totally disregarding how much younger he is than me, I figured I could work with the tenderoni. He was almost perfect in my eyes. Could’ve been my MCM ev-er-y damn day of the week and was that in my in head…until…
Until I came across this video with his “friend” Mr. Hotspot:
and that’s when I realized, another one bit the dust.
And that as long as Odell was using up all his free time after practice and during the off season, to bop around playing “You Got Served” in his friend Mr. Hotspot’s apartment, my chances on meeting him were zero to none.
“Work, turn to the left
Work, now turn to the right”
More importantly I realized that my only backup BIMH was sashe shante-ing like he was a finalist on America’s Next Top Model.
Here I am torn up about my main feeding his new girlfriend bruschetta in an expensive restaurant in Rome, and my back up has the nerve TO BE VOGUING AT HIS BOYFRIEND’S APARTMENT?
If you want to swing that tree, so be it, but it’s imperative that you communicate with me on this. Go ahead and Whip, Nae Nae, Stanky Leg, and Lean and Rock with your boy Twinkle Toes, til your heart’s content. But what you won’t be doing is having me out here looking like Boo Boo The Fool claiming you, while you post up videos that make it quite clear you ain’t checking for me.
You know what…….
I give up.
Bump this whole relationship thing altogether. It’s obvious the men I like have no regard for my feelings, and are undeserving of me. I’m going back to being single again
until I scout my next BIMHs since that seems to be the only thing I’m good at.