Dear Ladies: How to Be Taken Seriously at the Gym


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Disclaimer: Through recent observation at my local gym I’ve noticed an influx of young women who fake the funk. Some girls like myself go to the gym to get in, get their fitness on, and get out <PAUSE>. For those who fall into this category, this post is not for you (But read on if you’re nosy intreeged)

To all the girls at the gym who don’t come to work out,

Um what are you doing?

You may have come just to be able to say you came…..Or maybe to break in your cute neon Lululemon spandex work out clothes and hot pink air maxs you purchased when you thought you were serious — just so that spending all the money on the membership and gear wouldn’t feel like a complete bust. Or most likely maybe you’ve come to scope out the man meat in action in order to find your next ex-boyfriend with the perfect chiseled 10-pack, broad shoulders, and sculpted calves. Whatever the reason, you’re straight up stuntin’ and everyone can tell. So let me give you the scoop on what’s keeping you from looking legit…

INSTAGRAM: Okay so you think you’re hot shid with your matchy-matchy Lululemon/Nike on. And I’m sure your outfit probably is cute. This will probably be one of the few times you show your face in this spot and need some sort of evidence that you work out, right…so why not take a pic of yourself on your phone and Instagram it you think?….NEGATIVE. You know once you start taking one picture, it’s going to a lead to a whole impromptu photoshoot of selfies, duck faces, and fake squats to picstitch, just to top it off with a Mayfair or X-Pro II filter. You are not Rosa Acosta, and even if you think you are, she ACTUALLY works out…

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and not to mention, has ballet skills. Know that once you’ve taken it this far, you’ve officially effed up your #gymflow #nodaysoff game and everyone is aware of it. Hey, I have a better idea, why don’t you hashtag your before and after results after a couple months….it shows more credibility, and results don’t lie.

FRIENDS: If you bring your bestie and sit next next to each other on the stationary bikes recanting what Mike’s ex-girlfriend’s cousin’s neighbor said about you at the rooftop party last Saturday, then you’re clearly more worried about socializing than losing your muffin top. And trust, everyone can see that (in addition to your muffin top).

HAIR: If your hair is shoulder length or longer, and it’s not tied up/pinned up to some capacity, no one is taking you seriously. Newsflash- when people actually work out at the gym, they usually break a sweat, and there’s not one girl I know who likes the feeling of wet hair plastered to their neck. We won’t even touch on if you’ve got 32 inches of Malaysian Remy swangin around your face while you’re on the row machine. If you can afford your 8-10 ounces of Brazilian Body Wave, then dropping $2 for a pack of Goody hair ties won’t hurt your pockets.

MAKE-UP: And yes this goes for make-up too young grasshopper. Y’all stay stuntin with your fake eyelashes glued on, that your gymflow is looking more like fake flow….Having make up on is an issue when one can tell it’s an excessive amount. How do you gage that? Well if everyone at your gym assumes you work at MAC because of how beat your face is, then that’s a problem. There’s a fine line between wearing make up and looking like Crayola gang banged your face. Sure, we all have facial imperfections we dont necessarily want to expose even when we are on the workout tip (me included), but concealer is the solution for this.

In conclusion girls, follow the k.i.s.s. method (Keep It Simple Stupid). Less is more. This ain’t the club. Instead of faking the funk, why don’t you use the gym what it’s for? Who knows, you may see such bomb azz results in your physique that all that other ish becomes secondary.

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