Let me tell y’all something… NYC has some schizophrenic weather. Every time it tries to act like summer out here, global warming tries to regulate and swoops in and snatches back 10-15 degrees to put the temp in check. But Memorial Day weekend marked the first day of summer weather (for the moment). The weather was close to 90 friggin degrees. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and I was on the train on the way to a bangin rooftop party. As I sat looking around, I was suddenly reminded why people watching is so fun in the dirty apple when it gets hot (and disheartening at the same damn time): RATCHET FASHION in FULL EFFECT.
Sad to say, it was the females who were the worst offenders, which drove me to write this post. So to the woman with the sandals on, who’s feet were so ashy, I thought you had socks on, I hope you somehow find this and learn a lil sumthin’. This is dedicated to you and all women like you whose age didn’t bring you wisdom of proper aesthetics. Here are the 17 ways to prevent being a summer ratchet fashion victim:
I felt like it was only right to start from the bottom up. If you wear open toed shoes please, please do everyone a favor and keep these things in mind:
- If your feet look like you’ve been kicking bricks, exfoliate. Use a loofah, ped egg,
weed wacker if it’s that crucialor whatever you’ve got in your arsenal of spa products to make sure you don’t have an extra layer of skin that’s not supposed to be there. Like really?…That’s nasty.
- Lotion is your friend, ash is the enemy! Come on ladies, all it takes is an extra 5 seconds to moisturize your situation. I don’t understand why people seem to treat feet differently than the rest of their bodies. They are body parts too (and usually the ugliest ones), so please, whatever you do to your legs after a shower, keep it consistent with your dogs.
- Look we aren’t all perfect, but if you have very visible corns, bunions and onions, don’t showcase it to the world. Or if your toes naturally stay flexing gang symbols or are doing hammer-time on level 10 because of years of wearing shoes too small, just, please find a way to mask it. And no, wearing peep toe stilettos won’t do the trick. Trust me, the world will all be peeping your toes and you don’t want that. And neither do we.
- Clip your damn nails! If your toenails look like hawk claws and are long enough to stick out over the length of your sandal, then Houston YOU have a problem. Why do women think it’s cute to have enough of a toenail to do a legit french tip on their feet? Oh, and speaking of french tips, just.don’t.do.it. This ain’t prom in the early 2000’s.
- And while we are on the subject of polish, make sure your toes have some on. This is probably just me, but it’s really a pet peeve of mine when women wear open toed shoes with not a drop of polish on their toes. And clear doesn’t count. Even worse if the polish is chipped…It just doesn’t look presentable.
- When in doubt just get a pedicure! OR wear some dayum close toed shoes.
- Shave your legs if they will be out. Even if your leg hair is virtually invisible, that direct sunlight will be sure to catch it at that right angle that will make it easily seen. And please remember to shave your armpits when wearing a sleeveless top. There is nothing worse than seeing a woman who is dresses immaculately from head to toe, only to find when she raises her arm, has a whole banchee forest underneath because she forgot to shave before she left the house. Trust me, no one will think you forgot, they’ll think you like being au naturale. Em-bar-ass-ing.
- If your heel is hanging off the back of your wedges, or your toes are dropping down and getting their eagle on out the front of your sandals, just….don’t. Coming from someone who wears a larger shoe size myself, I know the perils of finding cute shoes that fit right. But unlike closed toed shoes, if your sandals don’t fit, don’t even try and just “wing it”. Um hello chick, your foot is exposed, EVERYONE will be able to tell they’re too small. Either buy your size or don’t buy at all.
- Why oh why must women think it’s okay to publicly wear denim shorts that show half your azz cheeks from the bottom? We know you did this on purpose and you must think you’re cute, but this is not a Nelly video shoot…unless you are proudly a tip drill and don’t care to be referenced as one.
- This is the same for skirts. If you drop something and can’t pick it up with out showing your goodies then hey, I’m thinking maybe you shouldn’t be wearing it. What say you?
- Super short flowy skirts and/or dresses should be worn with something underneath. Too many of y’all be walking over those vents in the sidewalk without a care in the world until a slight wind blows up for you to flash everyone and then you’re all of a sudden “startled and embarrassed” because now everyone saw your underwear (or lack thereof). Newsflash: You aren’t Marilyn Monroe. At least cop some of those little spandex biker shorts to wear under it.
- Crop tops- Here’s a secret between you and I: though a lot of people think I’m in shape, my struggle area of my body is my midsection – so much so that I can’t really wear crop tops without sucking in to look decent. So what I usually do is wear something else to balance it out. You know- like some high-waisted jeans or skirt, just so if there is that one small period of time where I forget to hold it all in, if someone catches me, it still won’t look half bad. So if you have the same issue, just do that…or not, lol.
- Also, if you’re wearing a top that rises up when you move, DON’T wear bottoms that slide down when you sit. I don’t understand how people in general, will just be sitting in public with straight up plumber’s butt exposed. How do you not feel that your crack is out? Or I guess the better question is why do you not care? Trust me when I say nobody wants to see your crack. Nobody.
- Wear the proper bra. If you’re wearing a strapless top, WEAR A STRAPLESS BRA. It’s simple math. Like I don’t mean to condescend anyone, but some people really don’t know these things. Or if you are wearing a top with straps, and your bra straps show, wear a strapless bra. The cuts of summertime tops get abstract and artistic so when in doubt just go strapless…or
- Go bra-less. And I say this with the utmost caution. If you are reading this, and you have anything larger than a 34B bra size, then please disregard this tip. BUT then again, this all depends on the style of top as well, as some leave you no other option but to not wear a bra (like a bra style top, that’s not actually a bra). And for those tops, nix your bra to your heart’s content. But if it’s a white tank top, I suggest you reconsider.
- If you plan on wearing a tight body con style dress and have the midsection issue we just discussed, then get some control top Spanx or some other similar product, just so you won’t have to feel self conscious the whole time you’re wearing it. Especially if you’re going out to eat. You don’t want anyone thinking you’re in your 2nd trimester and that you were eating for two the whole time. This is also where a nice, flowy skirt comes in handy.
- **Very Important Tip** I’ve seen a lot of retail stores selling these 2 piece outfits that have so much spandex in them, they label everything “one size fits all”. LADIES: THIS IS A MYTH. THINK ABOUT IT: SINCE WHEN HAS A LABEL BEEN ABLE TELL YOU WHAT IS GOING TO FIT YOUR BODY? So this is where your wise, adult judgement comes into play. Try the outfit on. If it doesn’t fit, and you have muffin top, cupcake top and the whole dayum bakery rolling out the outfit, then it’s up to you to make the executive decision to kindly place it back on the rack. You know what works for your body. Don’t just buy an outfit because the label in it told you that you could fit it. I bet you the label won’t tell you how bad it looks on you. I bet you that.